向满分大神学习的写作风格,逻辑重于语言,大家帮我看一下这篇文章吧

24号考试了,也来不及提高辞藻水平了,就用很平实的语言写的文章,是在论坛里看到的一位大神的建议,不知道自己体会的到不到位,大家给点评价觉得我文章怎么样,谢谢啦
(ali9)(ali9) 你们最好啦
TOPIC: parents should allow their children to make mistakes and let them learn form their own mistakes.
The great inventor Albert Einstein once said: "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." Mistakes can benefit us a lot in our life. Therefore, I believe parents should allow their children to make mistakes and let them learn from their own mistakes.
To begin with, allowing children to make mistakes helps them to become independent. According to the data recently released by Sina.com, one of the most reliable online media, 86% of Chinese families have only one child as a result of the one-child policy. That is to say, nowadays parents can pay more attention to their children than decades ago, when there were usually more than two children in a family. However, too much attention will do harm to a child's development. If a mother manages everything for her son, such as helps him pack his school bag and sends him to school every day, the boy will just lose the ability to take care of himself because his mother has prevented the mistakes he would make. It is wise to let him do things by himself. For example, if the boy once forgets to take his pencil box to school, he will learn from it and next time, he will not make the same mistake again. What he can learn from this lesson is that he should pay more attention to details, which will also benefit him after he grows up. A child can gradually learn from the mistakes and become independent and responsible for himself.
Furthermore, mistakes help children to better understand themselves and realize their disadvantages. When I was in middle school, I used to become addicted to pop stars and pop songs. After school, the first thing I would do was to turn on the computer and watch video records of music concerts instead of doing homework. Later I failed in my exams and I suddenly realized I should work hard and become more rational toward pop stars. So I spent much more time on my studies and finally become one of the top students in my class. Despite of telling me what I should or should not do, my parents let me learn from my own experience and correct the mistakes all by myself. It is from this mistake that I learn I should be more involved in my studies and I k。now what I really should focus on as a student.
Admittedly, some mistakes should be prevented, such as addiction to alcohol and drugs, because they may lead a child toward crimes and have a bad effect on his life. So parents should be responsible for their children and make sure they will not make such mistakes, while give them freedom on other aspects.
All in all, as the advantages of allowing a child to make mistakes overweigh the drawbacks, it is sensible for parents to allow their children make mistakes and learn from these experiences.
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